The Human Slop Must Be Cleansed

I’ve done a lot of jobs in my life. I’ve been a tree service provider; climbing towering, gnarled trees in old people’s back yards to help trim the branches down. I’ve cleaned hospital beds as a janitorial service provider. I’ve been a security guard at a liquor store in the West end of the Bronx (I’m surprised I was never even shot). The number one intense job that I’ve ever had is the job that I had doing sewer cleaning in Bronx NY. Sewer cleaning. Let that sink into your mind and imagine the kind of reality-destroying horrors that you can come up with; it’s close to the truth. Let’s break down what a sewer is. A sewer is the system that lies beneath man’s civilization to provider an easy way to dispose of waste. Human waste. All the sort of waste that we can imaginably produce lies within the depths of our sewers.

Let me be frank with you. People are gross. I’m disgusting. You’re disgusting. The things that our bodies produce are vile, unclean things that leave behind such a filth that we had to devise of a method to completely rid ourselves of it all; out of sight, out of mind. There was once a time where we would simply empty buckets of our human-slop out of windows and into shallow ditches at night. Thenight soil they used to call it. Soiled is right; the sort of filth that soils the mind and the soul! To ensure the purity of our nostrils we send brave, luckless men and women into the depths of the earth where our bubbling human-fluids churn in vast pits and tunnels to be swept away far, far away from the cleanliness of our homes. That’s the job I had to do; unclogging our human slop.

The Aborist is a Modern Day Tyrant

When you live near a miles large park, the last thing you want in your own backyard is another tree. I know that you’re thinking I’m some kind of horrible, arborist-hating tree killer but when you get down to facts and allergies you might be willing to show me some level of sympathy. I’m allergic to practically every tree in the northern hemisphere which hasn’t done any wonders for my mood to say the least. So, yeah, I do find myself calling for tree service in Queens NY whenever one of those leaved torturers begins to show it’s barky face around my parts. Down with trees, I say, and be thankful that you don’t have to suffer like myself. There are plenty of others out there who live what can only be described as a half-life thanks to the perpetual antihistamines that we have to pump through our veins day in, day out; forever.

Are you surprised that I would loathe trees? Those green havens for winged and furry rodents alike. If you don’t feel an ounce of sympathy I bet you’re one of those people who had atree house as a kid. One of those kinds of peoples that would rather climb a tree in order to ‘save’ it before the might of a chainsaw. Trees belong only in two places; kindling for our fire places and the paper in our books. Unfortunately we’re in the digital age where books no longer need to be scraped from the gnarled body of the tyrant trees but can rather be inscribed into our e-ink print. I moved to New York City for the sole purpose of avoiding trees believing that I would be free of them forever but somehow I had forgotten all about Central Park and the sanctuary it provided to those pollen spreading jerks.

Online is a Better Shopping Experience

For me, the best place to get cheap dildos here is from an online store. When I tried to buy sex toys at a local shop in person, I was so embarrassed. I felt as if I was given funny looks by other people when I set foot into the store. Everything in the store was so new to me, and the sales people weren’t much help in explaining the various toys. I had to choose my own toy based on limited knowledge and experience, and what I did choose didn’t provide a pleasurable experience for me in the bedroom.

I never want to go back to that toy shop again. Buying online is much easier because I don’t have to deal with one major element: other people. There are no eyes from people who might be judging me for going into the store. There are no uninformative people to try to extract simple information from. If there’s a toy that I want to know about, the website has a simple description about it. There are even user reviews about the toy from people who have actually used it, so I can know for sure if the toy is right for me.

For my first toy from the online store, I chose a vibrating contraption that spins and lights up. It might sound a little childish to be fascinated by bright lights and spinning, but I really got a kick out of it. The lights were more of a visual attractor, but the spinning actually played a part in the functionality of the toy. The toy that I bought from the local shop was so stiff and boring. It didn’t really do much, and it didn’t feel good to play with either. The online toy gave me hours of fun.